*insert obligatory anti-Valentine’s Day rant here*
Now, back to the real world where wives and girlfriends contemplate castration when their men fudge up Valentine’s Day. Let’s face it, hate it or love it, Valentine’s is here to stay. No matter how made up it is. That said, nobody wants an angry woman on their hands so here’s a list of things you should try hard not to do come Friday.
I’m not pointing any fingers but certain Editors-in-Chief think they’re slick by suggesting a lowkey Valentine’s this year after receiving extravagant gifts for Christmas and a birthday in late January. No matter how broke you are or how partied out you are from the holidays, you have to do something for Valentine’s day. Stay in and cuddle up with some wine and an intimate home-cooked meal or make your own gifts and cards. Just do something. If you’re booed up, copping out just isn’t an option.
2. Go out solo (or with your girls)
We will judge you. Nothing is more pathetic than seeing a lone diner on Valentine’s Day. Well expect for that group of single women trying to convince the world they don’t need a man, knowing good and well they’d be starry-eyed and lovey-dovey if they could attract a man decent enough to date them. We’re not buying your anti-love Facebook posts darling. Just go off the grid til Side Chick Appreciation Day.
3. Contact your side piece
Whatever you do, do NOT text, email, message, tweet, DM, call or maintain eye contact across the office with your side piece. It will put ideas in her/his (cuz yes, ladies have side pieces too) head that you don’t want there. You know, like the idea that you actually care about them. Just turn your phone off and stay busy. When you show up the next day with a box of 75% off chocolates, just say you had the 24 hour flu.
Pinics are sweet and romantic but don’t be stupid. I remember one year my ex and I had a date downtown and then decided to walk around the waterfront afterwards. It was a nice mild winter that year. This is not that year. This is the one in every 5 years that we have a real winter in the Northwest. Save the outdoors activities for the spring or next year. You don’t want to spend the next week calling in sick.
5. Listen to Nacho Picasso
Any other day I would highly recommend slapping any of Nacho Picasso’s projects. But Valentine’s Day is the last day you need to wake up to that recklessness. You may slip up and call your girl a “bitch” in the most loving and endearing way or refer to yourself as rap game’s Bill Murray. Nothing romantic about that. Awesome, yes. But not quite what a girl wants as a token of your affection.
6. Burn the food
Cooking for your partner is one of the most romantic gestures if you don’t do so on a regular basis. With that in mind, be careful not to burn the food. There’s probably a reason you’re not cooking on a regular basis. Choose a simple meal that’s almost impossible to ruin, like spaghetti. If you burn that, I can’t help you bruh.
7. Watch a chick flick
Dinner and a movie are an easy date choice and since its Valentine’s Day, you’re probably thinking a romantic comedy would be perfect. Wrong! You will never live up to the unrealistic Prince Charming portrayed in the movies. After watching the star0crossed lovers fall in love and get engaged under the stars with a flash mob and all the leading lady’s favorite things, you’ll look lame as hell in comparison. Save yourself the trouble and suggest a sub-par action flick staring Idris Elba. At least she’ll be in the mood when you get home.
8. Bring up the past
Nothing says “I love you” like dwelling on old stuff. This can be said for any day of the year, but be especially aware on the day that is supposed to be dedicated to the one you currently love. Don’t talk about the year your ex took you to Ruth Chris. Don’t talk about your favorite stuffed bear given to you by your high school sweetheart. Absolutely do not bring up old disagreements either. Just live in the now and avoid the drama.
9. Forget about your man
OK ladies, Valentine’s Day is not all about you. That’s what your birthday is for. Don’t forget to get your man something as well. Sure they don’t really go for flowers and candies, but here’s where you can get creative. I took my man’s car for an oil change last year and he was satisfied with that. It’s the little things. Maybe you can take out the trash for a change.
10. Use EBT to buy a gift
I’ll actually leave this one up to your discretion. Some people are tight on cash and tax refunds haven’t hit the bank yet. If this is you, I say, go for it. However, for most of us, anything that can be purchased with an EBT card is not going to be good enough. Sure you can buy some chocolates with your SNAP benefits, but you better take your butt to another store and get some flowers or lingerie or ANYTHING to supplement.
On that note, what are some Valentine’s Day DO NOTs you wanna share with us? What “wtf” moments have you had before? Do share so we can all get a laugh in.