You know what I hate about these What To Get Your Girl For Christmas lists? They assume all girls are alike. We all want jewelry. We all want Macy’s gift cards. We all want a spa day. Well, guess what, we don’t. In fact, I told my man I’d break up with him if “he went to Jared’s.” Unless, of course, he gets me an engagement ring; then I won’t complain a bit.
All of that is to say, we’re all different. So I thought I’d help out and zero in on the desires of a specific group of women: The Ratchets. After all, they are a very hard group to understand. If you happen to be dating a ratchet chick this holiday season, you might be struggling to think of a good gift. You know, other than a bottle of moscato and a Keisha Cole album. Here are a few suggestions to brighten up your ratchet’s holiday season.
Take her on a fancy date to Olive Garden. You ever taken a bop to the Garden? You’d think you just bought up all the tables at Ruth’s Chris and hired a violinist to serenade her all night. But that’s the great thing about dating a ratchet; low expectations. The little things really do count and anything better than Applebee’s becomes a 5-star dining experience. Plus, who doesn’t like unlimited breadsticks?
Buy her tickets to a NYE party hosted by Lil Scrappy. There’s just something about his face tattoos and inability to enunciate words that makes girls swoon for the ATL rapper turned reality star. Why not get your girl all hot and bothered by taking her to party with him at the Refuge this year? Close encounters with celebrities tend to give women new-found appreciation for their men at home. Sounds like a win-win to me. Unless you’re not too into being seen with her in public. In that case, just cop Season One of Love & Hip-Hop: Atlanta on DVD.
Take her to the clinic. OK, let me get serious for a minute. If you’ve got a girlfriend, I’d hope you both have been tested recently. But, I know it’s not an easy thing to do. Why not use the end of the year as an excuse to go together and make sure all is well? Nothing like starting off the New Year with a clean slate and the ability to have sex with your partner sans condoms.
Pay for her to get her hair did. So I’ll admit I’m being completely selfish here. I’m just sick and tired of seeing young ratchets walking around with tacky ass weaves. Give them the gift of having their hair done at a salon. There’s a reason why their homegirls who never finished beauty school charge $50 for the crap they sew into their head. Do the whole world a favor, buy a ratchet a professional hair-do.
Make a child support payment. Oh, so you thought I was just going in on the ratchet girls huh? Well if you’re dating a ratchet girl, you’re probably ratchet yourself. And if you’re ratchet, you’re probably at least $1000 behind in child support. Surprise your ratchet baby’s mom and your young ratchlets by making a payment. Or just go ball out on dollar store toys and stop by for a visit.
Sign her up for twerk lessons. Let me first say that ratchets made twerking what it is today. Not some Disney kid who did one too many lines and thought shaking her flat ass was cute. But since Miley’s embarrassing chicken dance, twerk classes have been popping up everywhere. Even Joe Budden’s ex-boo thang Kaylin Garcia has been teaching a few. So if your girl needs a little help perfecting left cheek, right cheek, send her to a professional for some help. You’ll both appreciate the gesture.
Put your side chicks on hold. There’s no gift better than the gift of faithfulness. Even if it only lasts until January 2nd, put all the other girls on the back burner and give the ratchet in your life your undivided attention. Put your cell on silent and stop “working late.” Put some time and energy into your girl and hell, maybe you’ll forget all about those side chicks. [Editor’s Note: Or not]