Can you believe October is over already? Where has 2013 gone? Not that I’m mad. It’s almost my favorite time of year. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming and the sports world is thriving. The Red Sox just won the World Series, we’re in the middle of football season, and the NBA just returned last week. So, yeah. Hot guys to look at while I pretend to care what my boyfriend says about the Knicks’ defense and what’s-his-face’s jumpshot.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m no sports fan. Even though I’m a solid 5’11”, I never really played any sports so I’m not going to pretend like I really care. And I’m definitely not going to pretend like I can’t spot the outright obnoxiousness of some sports fans. Which ones might you ask? These ones…

1. Loyal Portland Seahawks Fan
I get we don’t have a football team here in Portland.  It sucks because it means we have to root for other teams. However it is rather annoying when Portlanders claim the Seahawks are a “hometown team.” I can only imagine how annoying it is for our neighbors up north. I apologize on behalf of my fellow Portlanders.

2. All-Star Bop
Have girls started posting about the NBA All-star game yet? I’m sure somewhere now there’s a chick trying to figure out who can claim their kids on their taxes in January and praying they actually get their return in time to buy tickets to whatever city is hosting the event in 2014. You’ll never hear them mention sports any other time, but they just HAVE to make All-star weekend this year. #BopLife

tony-romo-crying_display_image3. Die-hard Cowboys Fan
*Heavy sigh* I started watching football in the early 90’s and back then the Cowboys were amazeballs. Nobody can deny that. But since then the Cowboys have failed me time and time again. Now I have this horrible love/hate relationship. But Cowboys fans are some of the most dedicated fans (2nd to you Raider lovers), and since I’ve been reppin’ the Boys this long, I can’t stop. So I”m in a constant state of depression and self-loathing during football season. Doesn’t really make for good company.

4. My Boyfriend’s A Fan Fan
Seeing as I’m not a huge fan of basketball, I don’t have a team I consistently root for. However, my boyfriend is a huge Knicks fan so I naturally end up rooting for them as well. I don’t, however pretend to be some expert or try to argue with the fans of rival teams because I’m not that invested. Supporting your man is great and all, but you still look like an idiot when you talk about things you have little knowledge of. Go make some dip or something. (No misogyny.)

5. I Spend More Money on Gear Than Tickets Fan
I have a friend who is always decked out in Blazers gear – I mean head to toe – but I’ve never heard of him going to any games. I mean, if you like the gear, you like the gear. Maybe red and black are your favorite colors. But don’t call yourself a fan. You’re no fan of the team, just the gear. So please, hold your enthusiasm about last week’s win.

6. Tragic Blazers Fan
Like the Cowboys fans, Blazers fans tend to be slightly depressing. It’s like your friend is in an abusive relationship she just won’t let go of. The Blazers will win a few games, kiss you on the cheek and then turn right around and slap you in the face with losses and injuries in just enough time to mess up the playoffs. You fans just don’t deserve that.

RIPSeattleSonics-2-vintagephoto7. Zombie Supersonics Fan
Look, the Seattle Super Sonics are dead. Get over it. The good news is the OKC Thunder is a new team so nobody will judge you for becoming a fan. We will however judge you for continuing to call them the Sonics. OK?

8. Starting Five Fan
“Man, I am a huge Chicago Bulls fan.”
“Really, who’s on the team?”
“Well there’s Noah, Deng, Rose, Boozer, and ummmmmmmmmm.”

Knowing the star players of the team doesn’t make you a huge fan. You just watch the news.

9. Social Media Fan/Hater
Speaking of news… I’ve warned y’all before about relying on the web for info, but some of you sports fans didn’t listen. Some of you will cosign/like/retweet whatever opinion is popular. It’s embarrassing so stop.

10. Harry Houdini Fan
The Blazers do good, you post pics wearing gear, you talk sh*t and go hard for your team. The Blazers do bad and you’re nowhere to be found. Abracadabra bish!

Anywho, that’s all you’ll hear from me about sports. I’ve got dinner to cook and dishes to clean. Peace out!