{Insert funny judgmental complaint about Kimye naming their baby North West}

I’m about sick and tired of this feigned shock at this little girl’s name. What did you expect Kanye West and Kim Kardashian to name their baby, Rachel? They’re both divas. Kim wants to be the next Beyonce so bad, of course she had to outdo Blue Ivy. And Kanye is a clown.

Besides, North West honestly isn’t the most ridiculous name I’ve ever heard. There are some every day folk who give their kids names with way too many punctuations and syllables or just name them Adolph and Robert E. Lee. But even “sophisticated” celebrities ruin their kids’ lives as soon as they fill out the birth certificate.

Here are some of my favorites:

Sage Moonblood, Sly Stallone
Herbs and Native Americans? Martial arts video game characters and vampire book sequels? I just don’t get it. That name sounds too creepy. The kid must be cursed. Let me stop talking mess before something bad happens to me.

*knocks on wood*

8146137790_0297ecfa60_oReignbeau Rhames, Ving Rhames
Ok now, hippies started naming their kids Rainbow decades ago. I don’t actually hate the name. But Reignbeau? That’s worse than Ashleigh, which I hate. Because why? You just had to be fancy. Now how’s she going to buy a key chain with her name on it?

Diva Thin Muffin, Frank Zappa
I don’t really know much about this guy, but I’m sure he ingested a lot of drugs as a musician in the 60’s and 70’s.  That pretty much explains it all. Poor little Diva. SMH

Jermajesty Jackson, Jermaine Jackson &
Prince Michael II “Blanket” Jackson, Michael Jackson
When you talk about the messed up things one Jackson does, you have to talk about the messed up things all the Jacksons do. Jermajesty is like a drunken greeting to a king. And it’s just embarrassing. I can get with Prince Michael I. but naming his little brother Prince Michael II AND calling him Blanket is simply unforgivable.

Denim, Toni Braxton
She was definitely a bop in her former life. Why else would she name her child after a piece of fabric? Did she work in the demin section of K-Mart when she met her baby’s father? Pure ratchet.

Pilot Inspektor, Jason Lee
I know his character on My name is Earl was the smarter of the two, but he sure doesn’t seem that smart off-screen. Not only did he name his kid after an occupation, he purposefully spelled it wrong. That kid’s teachers hate his parents right now.

Bear Blue, Alicia Silverstone
Blue is a nice name. But Bear Blue, come on. Do you really name someone who needs to be obedient, Bear? How are you going to call for them when they’re in trouble? “Bear!” “Rawr!”

mowgli_and_balooBronx Mowgli, Ashlee Simpson
Well, her sister thought tuna fish was chicken. But still, how many times did you watch The Jungle Book growing up? I loved that damn movie, but I am not naming my child after a boy raised in the Indian jungle by wild animals. Bronx is alright, I guess. I know a few girls named Brooklyn. Lets just not start naming kids Manhattan.

Rocket Man, Pharrell
Pharrell is such a creative musical genius. But I think it doesn’t translate well into other parts of his life. Rocket Man would be a cute little name for an animated super hero. But for a child? How will he get a job in the future? What will that look like on business cards? Come on people!

Now, don’t you feel a little less annoyed by Kanye and Kim? It could have been worse. And remember, North West may be a terrible name for a baby, but its a great name for a region.