Hey folks, it is I, The Official Ratcheteer, here to bring a little dose of ratchet into your lives. Well, I’m sure it’s already there. I’m just here to highlight it, poke fun, and keep you up to date with ratchetivity in the great Northwest.
There are many things we do daily that fall into the ratchet category. From posting pictures of all the alcohol we consumed with our friends last weekend, to ignoring our kids for an hour while watching Desperate Hoodrats who got Knocked up by Pro-Athletes in Atlanta.
When I dubbed myself the Official Ratcheteer, I received quite a few side eyes. Why would I be proud of being ratchet? Well, the thing is, you don’t have to be ratchet to be a ratcheteer. Being a ratcheteer simply means that you promote and encourage ratchetivity.
So how does one become a ratcheteer?
Thanks for asking.
To be a ratcheteer, you must first find the ratchets. You can take the easy route and just stop by an event thrown by local promoters in their 30s who use pictures of celebrities who are not attending their parties on the flyers. Surely, you’ll find loads of girls squeezed into Forever 21 dresses that are at least 2 sizes too small.
If that’s too overwhelming for you, just show up anywhere and look for the girls who scurry onto the dance floor screaming, “Ayyyyyyyye, this my sooooooong!”
***Ratchets are not the only ones who get ratchet. Even the most reserved can have a ratchet moment or two with proper ratcheteering.***
Now that you have your targeted crowd, all you have to do is help spread the ratchetness. Buy drinks. Request songs that make ‘em shake a tail feather. Start inappropriate conversations and leave. Use the power of inception to suggest that a chick hook-up with one of your homeboys who’s been eyeing her (and every other chick) from his barstool. As the ratcheteer, your job is to put the pieces of the ratchet puzzle together. Connect the dots and watch the magic work.
If you’re still unsure, here’s a list of things that will always bring the ratchet out in the best of us:
Play 2 Chainz. I don’t care what anyone says, even my bougie mother starts to twerk a bit when Tity Boi starts rapping.
Pop a bottle. The best way to attract a ratchet is with a bottle of champagne. Don’t worry about the cost, a $4 bottle of Andre will do. Use sparkling pink moscato if you wanna be fancy.
Dance. Dance on your homegirl. Dance on your girlfriend. Dance on your homeboy’s girlfriend. Dance on the bar. Dance on the bartender. Dance on the bouncer. Even if there is nobody in the building dancing, dance.
Find Illa. I don’t know what it is, but I have never been in a room with Illa and its not poppin’. He’s got the juice. And the ladies. Turn up.
Yell “Turn up.” Its like a mating call. Endorphins rush through bodies at the sound of those simple words and the ratchet spreads like wildfire.
Visit #WayneManor . If you’re not in the know, you better ask somebody.
**Disclaimer: We Out Here Magazine is not responsible for any injuries or felonies caused by following our guide to ratcheteering. Enjoy but be safe.**
The Official Ratcheteer