It’s time to dump your girlfriend.
Last year around this time we advised you on ways to prepare for summer, including and followed by ways to dump your girlfriend. You’ll see that LY we suggested that you let her down easy and keep “karma on your side.” Things have changed in the last twelve months: 2Chainz blew up, purple drank and MDMA became cool again, and well, we’ve all gone a bit ratchet here at WOHM.
So, if you could care less about karma—or your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend—then dump her like dis:
1. Flirt with her friends
When you’re hanging out with your still-girlfriend be sure to flirt with her friends. Flirt. Hard. Talk to them, touch them (i.e.: hug them, put your arm around them, drag them onto the dance floor), add them on Facebook on the spot, and get their phone numbers. When your girlfriend asks about it, play dumb.
2. Fall asleep while she talks
Your bitch talks. A lot. Show her you’re annoyed and don’t care by falling asleep when she talks…in the car, in the bedroom, on the sofa while she’s narrating the TV show you’re watching. Everywhere. If you’re in public and can’t fall asleep, act very disinterested. For example, turn your head away so you don’t have to make eye contact and reply with solely “uh huh” and “yeahhhh.”
3. Buy her home appliances
This is gonna be easy if it’s her birthday…buy her home appliances. A crockpot says: Ol’ lady, cook! and a vacuum says: You’re a slob. If home appliances are more than you want to spend on getting your point across, buy her white, high, man socks, which say: I never want to have sex with you again. Finally, you don’t have to buy her anything at all, which is ruder and says more than any other shitty gift you could’ve purchased.
4. Disappear for a weekend
Disappear. She’s not your mom and she’s almost-not your girlfriend, so you don’t have to tell her where you’re going or that you’re going at all! Don’t text, call, or tweet. Mid-way through your weekend away, flex on Instagram so she knows you can live without her.
5. Tell her you are married…via text message
Lying via text message is easier than lying to someone’s face. So, pick up your phone. Delete “My Baby” from your contact list. Then text that now-random number, “Hey, I can’t keep seeing you. I’m going to try harder with my wife.” Expect a few calls, texts, and long, profanity-filled voicemails. Don’t reply.
6. Ditch her at the club
Girls like feeling safe, feeling surrounded by people and love, and knowing that you’re there for her. Ditch her at the club. Around 12:30am go home. Don’t say goodbye. Don’t hail her a cab. Just go home like you would if you were a single man. (‘Cuz buddy, you’re about to be!)
7. No call / no show
Remember when you said you’d “be over in 20”? Don’t go. Or when you said “I already bought the tickets; I’ll pick you up about 45 minutes”? Grab a buddy. No call / no show. And don’t think that once is enough. Start no calling / no showing on a regular basis…until she can’t take it anymore.
8. Say you’re hanging out with “just a friend”
If she asks about all your no call / no shows, tell her you’ve been hanging out with [INSERT FEMALE NAME HERE] and that she’s just a friend. When she asks questions like Who is that? What’d you do? How do you know her? no matter the question, reply with, “She’s just a friend.”
9. Tell her she is too focused / not focused enough on her career
Let your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend know that you’re disappointed in her. If she’s very career-oriented, tell her she’s not been focused enough lately. If she doesn’t place a lot of value on her career, tell her she’s placing too much. Confuse her, frustrate her, find something that matters to her and let her know it disappoints you.
10. Let her know she’s bad in bed
Finally—and I don’t usually save the best for last, but this time I couldn’t resist—when she gets the point that you’re just not that into her anymore, seal the deal by telling her that she’s bad in bed. Kick ‘er while she’s down.