Millions of people across the nation are stalking their mailman, waiting for their golden ticket to arrive. W-2’s are popping up in households across America and folks are filing their taxes, anticipating their chance to ball out. Parents have already divvied out extra children to their friends and calculated how much each of the precious bastards are worth.

The only question now is what to do with the money? How are you going to spend your not-so-hard earned tax return? Here are a few ideas from your Official Ratcheteer:

  • First things first, take a picture of it

How will anyone know how much money you have unless you upload a picture of it on Instagram? You have to announce you’ll be ballin’ for the next 3 weeks or so to set the tone for your tax time blow out. Can you imagine how many chicks are going to throw the cookie at you after you post that picture? It’s a wonder why some people put their money in bank accounts.

  • Put rims or a system in your car

You can put expensive accessories on a ‘00 Hyundai Elantra. Just pay no attention to those who point and laugh; they’re just jealous. Take your Rush Card to wherever you buy these thing and get some rims, a system, and a matching seat/steering wheel cover set for a car that’s not even legally registered because you won’t pay for that SR-22 to get your license off suspension.

  • Get a tattoo

Call the cool tattooist who lives next door to your grandma’s. Have your old cell mate sketch you out some foreign lettering and get some ink.  Nothing says baller like a body covered with fresh ink. Just be sure to double check the work.

  • Go to All-Star Weekend

You were so upset that you couldn’t get your tickets in October with your cousin Tamara and now the ticket prices are ridiculously high. Good thing the guy who claimed your kids said he’s giving you your cut in a week and you can buy that last minute ticket no problem. Who cares that you’ll have to sleep on the floor of your cousin’s hotel room? At least you’ll make Ratchet Fest 2013…errrrr, I mean All-Star weekend.

  • Get a 14-inch weave

I mean, I’m sure you could pay to take an anthropology class at PCC and study the history of people and understand why people of African descent have coarse hair and people of Asian descent have silky hair. OR you can just go spend a couple hundred to put some silky hair over the coarse locs you’re so ashamed of and/or too lazy to maintain. Just make sure you pay enough to keep the kitchen clean.

  • Buy an iPhone

Did y’all know they have iPhones for Cricket now? #nuffsaid

  • Re-up

Selling nickels and dimes won’t get you out of the trailer park, but once you get that good ol’ return, you can re-up and IF you don’t smoke up the profit, you can re-up again and again and again until you have enough to finally make it out the hood. Which may take approximately 1-50 years.

  • Pay for a photo shoot or studio time

Find one of your Facebook friends with a camera. DM one of your followers with a studio. Dish out a couple hundred and update your portfolio (read: Facebook pictures). Record a new album to distribute to the masses (read: flood everyone’s timeline with). I know it’s been a long tough road, but as you near 30, you need to pull out all the stops and do everything you can to make your dreams come true.

  • Spend a little bit on your kids

OK now, if it wasn’t for your kids, you’d only get about $250 back from the $3000 you made last year working part-time at Subway for 4 months. But since you had the illegitimate angels you got a couple thousand on your H & R Block card, so please take care of the babies first. Buy a car and get them off the bus. Take them to the movies instead of making them watch bootlegs on their 18 inch TV/DVD combo. Anything, just give them thanks for the child tax credit. Let them ball out in Chuck E. Cheese, and then you can continue to do ratchet things with your friends.


Shardé Marie
Official Ratcheteer