At a bar on Saturday night, a young man suggested that we “take the party to his place,” and added that he “had straws.” I laughed. It was funny ‘cuz it was true. Bitches love straws.
Before I knew it he (and everyone around us) was helping me write 10 THINGS: You Need At Your Place Before Inviting A Girl Over…
1. Straws
See above: Bitches love straws. We love straws so much that saying you have them at your place has become a pick-up line! If you’re going to invite a girl over for drinks, be sure to have some on stock. They are not a must-have item, but they are the icing-on-the-cake if you want to icing on… Nevermind. [Editor’s Note: I went home with said young man. He had NO straws.] Here, buy some straws.
2. Toilet paper
Contrary to Number 1, having TP at your place is a necessity. Don’t invite a lady over if you know you just ran out of TP at home. If you invite a lady over and then remember you don’t have TP at home, stop at the store on your way back together. While at the store, also buy straws.
3. Condoms
Condoms are somewhere between Numbers 1 and 2. They are not a necessity, but they are more than icing-on-the-cake. Sure, you can invite a hot piece of ass over if you don’t have condoms, but…don’t expect to get laid.
4. Clean-ish sheets and a made bed
MAKE YOUR BED EVERY MORNING! Or, at least make your bed before you leave for the club. No girl wants to “cuddle” in a bed that has: Stains on it, crumbs in it, dirty sock surprises, folded laundry on top of it, bunched up sheets at the bottom of it, an unfitted fitted sheet, an untucked flat sheet, no pillows, etc.
5. Shampoo and conditioner
In the event that you’re inviting a gal over…and she stays the night…and she showers the next morning…keep shampoo and conditioner on hand. You like her soft, long locks…right? Well, they don’t get that way from using Suave 2-in-1. Men, shitty 2-in-1 shampoo is fine for your ¼ inch of hair, but not for ours! Most women would rather not wash their hair at all than wash it with that crap. Along these lines, keep face wash on hand too. Our faces weren’t meant to be washed with Dial hand soap; and if we don’t wash our makeup down the drain, it’s going on your pillow.
6. Clean towels
If she’s going to stay the night, even more important than shampoo and conditioner in your shower are clean towels in your bathroom. Don’t give her a damp towel that you washed last night, but didn’t have time to fully dry before you met your bros. Don’t give her a pool towel that’s been sitting in your gym bag and smells funny. Don’t give her a torn or bleached rag that you’ve used to clean with before. Give her a dry, fluffy, clean towel.
7. A clean bedroom
In addition to a clean bed and towels, is a clean room. While a clean bed is more important than a clean room, please have at least a semi-clean room before inviting a woman over. For example: Keep all your dirty laundry together—even if it’s overflowing in your hamper, put it in one obvious spot. Take all dishes out of your room—you can leave one cup on your nightstand. Spray some cologne in the air or light a scented candle for a few hours—get rid of that funk, ASAP. Throw miscellaneous items in your closet and shut the door—don’t let her open it.
8. Food
Make sure you have food for breakfast (or any other meal, snacks, etc.). Don’t misread this—I said have food for breakfast—that doesn’t mean you have to make her breakfast. Things that suffice as “food for breakfast” include: Bagels, coffee, fruit, cookies, cold pizza, or anything that shows you have SOMETHING in your cupboards.
9. No hair in the bathroom
Hair in the bathroom (in the sink, on the counter, clogging the bathtub, on or around the toilet seat, on the floor, etc.) is gross. Mopping and disinfecting is best, but… Pressed for time? Get a handful of Charmin wet and wipe the hair up; it’ll stick to the wet ball of TP.
10. Booze and chasers
Saving the best for last: You must have booze and chasers at home if you plan on inviting a girl over. In case this isn’t obvious: Hanging out without booze is boring, most girls don’t like to drink beer, hard liquor makes girls horny, booze and chasers go well with straws (and everything else on this list).
BONUS:
If you’re really trying to impress the girl you’re inviting over, having an unopened toothbrush will earn you points. You’re welcome.