“Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me.” –appropriate to say before / during sex.
“You make me wanna…” –appropriate to say before / during sex.
“Let’s get down tonight.” –appropriate to say before / during sex.
Men, I think you know what to say before and during sex, and if you don’t, that can be next week’s 10 THINGS. This week’s? 10 THINGS: NOT To Say During Sex…
1. “3…2…1… Blast off!!!”
Sex should be fun. If it’s not, you’re doing something wrong. However, there is such a thing as being too playful; for example, “3…2…1… Blast off!!!” Another example of being too playful is having a ‘pet name’ for your penis. There’s nothing wrong with calling it Junior, Mr. Bigs, The Stallion, or whatever you may have named it; but your first few times with a woman you should stick to the usuals: the C or the D.
2. “Am I good?”
Avoid awkward and on-the-spot questions. Instead of asking questions that focus on you, ask questions that focus on her; for example, “Does that feel good?,” or “How do you like that?”
3. “Is it in yet?”
“Is it in yet?” is even more awkward than, “Am I good?” Man up (and get up, literally) and don’t ask her if it’s “in…”
4. “You’re so much better than my ex,” or “My ex said the same thing.”
Do not talk about your ex during sex. Just DON’T do it.
5. “You remind me of So-and-so when you do that.”
In addition to your ex… Unless you’re relating the woman on top of you to a celebrity, do not talk about any other women during sex. Including, but not limited to: your mom, your sister, any other family members, your third grade teacher, your boss, the First Lady, porn stars, D-list celebrities, and your barista at Hot Bikini Brew on the East side.
6. “Do you smell that?”
Gross. It’s one thing to joke about bodily smells with your bros; it’s another thing to ask a woman a seriously disgusting question…in the bedroom. Ignore it, avoid it, and open a window for it. Or, don’t hit it and just quit it. Do what’s best for you, but bringing it up is NOT an option.
7. “Can we get bagels tomorrow?”
Doesn’t it ruin the moment for you when your partner is talking about Forever 21 and cheap jewelry? Well, believe it or not, it ruins the moment for us when you talk about Football Sunday and brunch. Be in the moment.
8. “No means yes, and yes means anal.”
When your bro told you, “No mean yes, and yes means anal,” he was kidding…sort of. It’s okay to try (and likely get rejected), but don’t actually say this out loud. [Editor’s note: LOL.]
9. “Keep quiet; I don’t want my parents to hear.”
Rappers, I understand that many of you still live at home with your parents. If the woman you brought home knows you’re a rapper, she probably predicted this too; and if the woman you brought home saw scented candles and flower-patterned pillows in the living room, the cat’s definitely out of the bag. However, you can still live at home with your parents and get it in. Show mama (both of ‘em) who’s boss.
10. “I love you.”
Tread lightly, men.
#outhere #inhere #cheapjoke