Father’s Day is a big day, but not just for Dads. Even without kids of your own you probably know a Dad who could use a coffee mug, or maybe your own Dad deserves a day at the driving range to unwind. But what if the Dads you know aren’t really…well, worth it?
Some Dads work hard to care for their families and be a great example for their kids. Let’s be honest though: Some Dads can’t tell a report card from a garnished paycheck. Do you really want to blow your hard-earned cash on a buddy whose only contribution to his kid’s well being was a predisposition to hypertension?
We’ve got your back.
Whether he’s Father of the Year or just some Baby’s Daddy, We Out Here believes the Dad in your life deserves recognition on his special day. That’s why we whipped up this conversion guide, so you can easily convert a standard Father’s Day gift to its Baby Daddy equivalent. So hire a private investigator to track him down, and see how quickly he pawns the gift you choose from…
THE WE OUT HERE MAGAZINE BABY DADDY DAY GIFT GUIDE
Father’s Day Gift: A Coffee Mug
Baby Daddy Day Gift: Red Solo Cups
While it may not have the thoughtfulness of a ceramic mug with a painted blue hand-print from Junior, the Red Solo Cup let’s him know that you’re both on the same page: coffee mug or not, nothing under 40 proof is going to be hitting the bottom of this cup.
Father’s Day Gift: New Smartphone
Baby Daddy Day Gift: Prepaid Refill Card
You know he doesn’t have the credit for a two year contract, but how can he say he didn’t get your voicemail unless he has a cell phone? Just find out which cell phone service he has this month and pony up a quick $20 for a hundred minutes. Remember: Calls to your bank to dispute overdraft fees are free.
Father’s Day Gift: Tom Clancy Novel
Baby Daddy Day Gift: Job Application
Try to make the idea of working at Subway exciting for your favorite deadbeat by combining the two gifts into one:
Jack Ryan raced through the mall, gun drawn, blood pounding in his head. It had been two weeks since he submitted his application. The assistant manager…could he still be there? Come on, Ryan…we’re running out of time! He rounded the corner and saw The Kid. Putting the finishing touches on a five-dollar footlong. Tall…skinny…bad acne…definitely in charge. This guy would give Ryan the job or he’d die knowing why. He fired twice into the air, sending gutter punks and soccer moms scattering into a nearby Pac Sun.
The Kid turned slowly, fear in his eyes and piss running down his khakis. Ryan sneered.
“I don’t work Saturdays.”
Father’s Day Gift: ‘World’s Best Dad’ Card
Baby Daddy Day Gift: Facebook Wall Post
Pour your heart out into a greeting card with an Instagrammed picture of a tire swing out at the old fishing hole? Please. Show him the same amount of care and effort he gave you when you got a call Thursday night saying he had to ‘work’ on his weekend with you and your sister:
‘hey DAD LOL u were the best JK!!1! ps i here u got dick cancer? ??’
‘7 people Liked this.’
Father’s Day Gift: Engraved Flask
Baby Daddy Day Gift: Miller High Life
With a gentle touch, you could even have that little shack at the mall engrave the can of beer. Just picture it: “The Champagne of Beers for the Beer of Dads.”
It’ll look really classy on a cinder-block bookshelf.
Father’s Day Gift: X-Box 360
Baby Daddy Day Gift: Your Old, Broken X-Box 360
Imagine the look on his face, like a child at Christmas, when he plugs in the first game console he’s had since the Sega CD. He fumbles the AV cables into his SDTV and cheers, “All right! I can play online for free this weekend, my buddy Lefty said this new Call of Duty game lets you…hey, what gives?”
As that red ring lights up, make sure you get a good picture of the smile falling from his face. Then text it to his kids and his ex for a Father’s Day the whole family will remember for the rest of their lives.