I don’t know any women that like douchebags.
I take that back. I know a handful of women that like douchebags. Why they like them is beyond me, and will hopefully be something for them to look back and laugh on in a few years. The point is, most women, and the general population, dislike douchebags. If you’re doing these “douchebaggy” things, for your own good, stop.
1. Have tribal tattoos
Tribal tattoos were cool for about as long as they would last as a temporary tattoos. Read: They are no longer cool. In fact, tattoos in general are quickly falling on the cool scale, and rising on the douchebag scale. Rumor has it, no tat is the new tat. Moving forward, do not get tribal tatts, and maybe even look into tattoo removal. See Exhibit A.
2. Flip up the bill on hats
This should have been number one. If you have a new cap, keep it fresh ‘n clean—why roll it so the tip of the bill flips up? Baseball players don’t do that. Gangstas don’t do that. Kiddos through gentlemen don’t do that. Only douchebags do that.
3. Wear white sunglasses
We’ve talked about this before, let me reiterate… Do not, ever, wear white sunglasses. Not thick or thin or striped, not at all. Exception: Halloween and other themed parties, when your costume is a Douchebag. See Exhibit B.
4. Wear pink polos or any color polo with the collar popped
Unless you’re on the golf course, leave the pink polos for the douchebags. And regardless of color, do not pop the collar on your polo (or any collared shirt). Also, do not layer your polos. See Exhibit C.
5. Spray Axe
Axe should be held responsible for false advertising. Women do not like men who wear Axe…unless said women like douchebags.
6. Use too much hair gel
Hair gel is to men as hair spray is to women. Think about it… Every so often, when your dream girl gets all dolled up and curls her hair, you love how it looks, but hate how it feels, right? There’s a time and place for hair gel, just like there’s a time and place for hair spray. Date night—not every night. Job interviews / important meetings—not everyday on the job. Wearing too much hair gel, or even wearing a little bit of hair gel too often, is douchey. See Exhibit D.
7. Own Affliction* t-shirts and denim with glitter / jewels
It saddens me that Affliction is still in business. Who (besides douchbags) buys these shirts? Affliction spelled backwards is D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G. In the event that the world ends and you have to wear an Affliction t-shirt, don’t even think about pairing it with glitter / jeweled MEK or True Religion denim. Wearing either separately is bad enough, but together it’s Double Douche. See Exhibit E. *Let Ed Hardy and Affliction be synonymous.
8. Wear visors when not playing sports
Chip Kelly wears the visor well—keep in mind Chip is coaching while wearing it. So, unless you’re coaching / playing sports while wearing your visor, keep it in the closet. They don’t serve much of a purpose anyways…beyond looking douchey. See Exhibit F.
9. Use cheesy pick up lines
Gentlemen, along with your polos and Affliction tees, throw away your cheesy pick up lines. If you say ‘em in a joking manner, ok, maybe. But if you say ‘em with a fake grin on your face while really trying to pull, the reality is that you’re not gonna pull. Pick up lines to stop using now: I’m Single, what’s your name? Those shoes would look better in my apartment. I’d let you buy me a drink. And any line that involves calling a total stranger “babe” or “doll.”
10. Wear tanks to the club
Listen douchebag, tanks, bro tanks, wife beaters, and anything sleeveless, should not be worn inside the club. Put a real shirt on! Accept that nightclubs get hot, and keep your “guns” at home.
Not Top Ten, but still on douchebag radar: Don’t wax or tan; be confident in your own skin. Don’t wear pants that are tighter than the women’s in your group; be comfortable. Don’t stand against the club wall and watch girls dance; go dance with them. Don’t use the word “brah” instead of “bro.” Don’t wear your sunglasses indoors, especially if they’re white. And after reviewing all Exhibits above, don’t do the “duck face” in photos, douchebag.