It’s spring…and as mammals, mating season is upon us. Here are ten things to consider before sleeping with that seductress in a sundress and boots:
1. Is she hot?
Of course she’s hot with beer goggles on, an AC unit could look hot with thick enough beer goggles on, but is she really hot? I mean, is she hot on Facebook and in real life? If she’s not, the next question to ask yourself is just how not-hot is she—are we talking a one, three, five? You should establish how low you’ll go (yes, pun intended) before putting your beer goggles on for the night; and at that magic hour, try to only fudge one digit.
2. Is she on The Pill, or are you going to wear a condom?*
Trick question! Wear a condom.
3. Has she expressed interest in having children?
You just met and she’s already talking about the future? Red flag. This woman wants babies, and she wants them now. If I were you, I wouldn’t sleep with her for two reasons. One, there’s a crying baby next to me on the bus at this very moment. Two, she doesn’t even know you, but she thinks you’d make a good daddy? Can we agree that if you did accidently knock her up, she’d make a bad mommy?
4. Does she have STDs?*
Although you can’t always tell if a dime piece has an STD, you should at least try. One way is to use your five senses—see, smell, taste, feel, and hear. Feel her up; eat her out. She’ll think your at home STD screen is foreplay, and hopefully she’ll pass the test…with extra credit.
5. Does she have a psycho ex-boyfriend? Or, do you have a psycho ex-girlfriend?
If she has a psycho ex-boyfriend, odds are you heard about him at some point in the evening. Women with crazy exes love to talk about them. If he’s in another state or jail, I wouldn’t worry; but if he’s at the bar two doors down, I would worry and I wouldn’t hit it. Girlfriends are drama; a one-night stand shouldn’t be… Speaking of girlfriends, if you have a pycho-ex yourself, be sure she’s in no position to ruin your Spring Fling. Psycho is the key word here, where awkward (her crying) turns to ugly (her slashing your tires) back to awkward (her becoming BFFs with the Spring Fling).
6. How drunk is she?
There’s a fine line between sleeping with a drunk girl who’s going to be fun in bed, and sleeping with a blacked-out girl who’s going to just lay there, get sick, and make you look like “that guy.” Assess the situation, give her some water, bring home a girl that’s walking and talking, or don’t bring home a girl at all.
7. Do you work with her?
Mixing business and pleasure sure is fun! But know where to draw the line. Is she in the same department as you? On the same floor as you? Is she your boss? Are you her boss? These scenarios could end with you losing your job. So, if you answered YES to working with her, but NO to all other work-related questions, you’re fine.
8. Under what circumstances might you run into her again?
Aside from working with her, under what other circumstances might you run into her again? And could they be awkward? Is she a family friend? Is she friends with any of your exes? Is she roommates with any of your exes? Do you go to church with her? Is her dad your boss? Is she your pal’s sister? Just say no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
9. Does she have hidden cameras in her bedroom?
She will sell your sex tape when your rap career kicks off. Guaranteed.
10. Do you have an escape route, just in case?
Just in case she’s not on Number Two, brings up Number Three, or Number Five makes an appearance, enter spring with an escape route… Practice your best sick face with your boss (he’s a good judge for this). Stand in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eye and say, “I can’t, I have a girlfriend.” Be prepared to get up and “go to the bathroom.” Answer your phone as if it rang (it didn’t ring). Say you don’t have a condom (of course you have a condom). And if all else fails, take one for the team.
*We Out Here Magazine practices safer sex, you should too.