Gentlemen, last week I advised you to dump your girlfriend before summer 2012. To the few and far between female readers, don’t take offense! In fact, apply the advice to your love life too—dump your boyfriend before summer 2012. This week I’m here to coach you on the act of dumping your significant other, while keeping your cool and karma on your side.
1. Don’t say things you don’t mean
We all say things we don’t mean; and in break-up arguments, emotions are especially high. Saying things you don’t mean, that are unforgivable, will certainly make the break-up last! But it also might cause for unnecessary worrying on your end and a psycho ex on hers… Avoid lies about love and sex. For example, don’t bring up why you initially started dating, “I felt sorry for you.” Or, emotional blackmail, “I never loved you.” Or, the worst self-esteem killer, “You’re horrible in bed.” All lies, all things you don’t mean, and all unforgiveable. Statements like these will burn bridges, and get the monster swimming! If in being honest you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all; stick to the cliché, but needs no explanation, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
2. Don’t go out with her friend
A textbook example: Break-up with your girlfriend, then seal the deal by going out with her friend. This is the action, as opposed to words, of Number One—doing things you don’t mean. Just don’t do it. Revenge is not the answer, especially if you believe in karma.
3. Don’t delete her on Facebook
Deleting your ex on Facebook has established itself on the list of immature relationship-enders. Key word: immature; and pointed out in this article: bridge burning. It might seem empowering at the time, but in the long run, you’re the loser in this game. Besides, you can’t delete someone in real life; practice ignoring her (in real life and on Facebook) instead.
4. Don’t hit it and quit it…
Toot it and boot it, tap it and scrap it, hump it and dump it. I understand that it’s in your manly nature to…blah, blah. But unless your new-ex has signed up for one last romp, don’t drop two things on her at once. [Editor’s Note: Cheap joke.] Think about it. You’re about to be free, wouldn’t you rather quit it and then hit it with someone new?
5. Don’t randomly return her belongings
Returning her belongs is the mature thing to do—but at the right time and place. This should be done after the break-up conversation, not as the break-up conversation starter.
6. Don’t change your locks / phone number before talking to her
Like Number Five, there’s nothing wrong with getting a new door lock or phone number—but there’s a time and place for this. Your girlfriend coming over, finding out her key no longer works, then hearing that’s your way of dumping her is trashy, not classy.
7. Don’t tell her via text
If your older friends or family tell you that breaking-up with someone via text is acceptable, they’re wrong. It’s not. (Remember, text messaging may not have been around when they were playing the field.) Similar to deleting an ex on Facebook, initially dumping them via text message is, simply put, poor modern etiquette. Grow some balls, and man up. A phone call is better, in-person is best.
8. Don’t tell her friend
Asking a girl out through her friend is childish, right? Dumping her though her friend is too.
9. Don’t stand her up
Along the lines of Number Five and Six, and in support of bad surprises in general, do not stand her up hoping that she’ll get the point that you’re not coming…like, ever. This plan will backfire for two reasons. One, she probably won’t get the point. I can hear her now: I thought you were stuck in traffic. Or, maybe you were napping? I can’t believe you just left me there. Yeah, she’s totally not going to get it. And two…karma. You wouldn’t want someone to waste your time, or beat around the bush with you, would you?
10. Don’t dump her on a holiday
An answer in high demand—do you dump her before, on, or after a holiday? And mind you, a federal holiday and what your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend considers a holiday are two different things. I’m talking about your anniversary, either of your birthdays, even vacations or fun dates you’ve talked about going on are considered holidays to some women. That said, I suggest you dump her before a “holiday.” On is cruel, and again, a waste of everyone’s time. After is a waste of everyone’s money. Before is just right. Dump her with as much notice as possible, a minimum of two days is ideal, but even the day before is better than the day of. Dumping in advance gives you both time to make new plans for your mind, body, and soul.
Go now in peace to love and serve…yourself this summer.