Yo, yo, yo, mic check… Is this thing on?..
I’m going to jump right into it, I don’t rap for the love of it. Hell naw, I rap for the b*tches man. When my dreams of being an NBA super star came crashing down on me the day I got kicked off the JV team, I knew I had to figure something out. (Insert marijuana, and then insert rap life). Now, I have a great deal of respect for you underground cats, you guys are the backbone of what we do, but I’m just too pretty to be doing all that “lyrical miracle” stuff–plus, hot chicks don’t take their clothes off to metaphors. Check it, just the other day I got a lot of hate from a Portland hip hop fan for having weak lyrics. I got over 1000 chicks following me on Instagram bro, I spit straight lava flow f*cking fire.
Now if people ask me who I think the dopest rapper in Portland is (which no one has), I’d say Jon Belz, easy. If that dude could sing and dance too it would be a wrap, but I didn’t come here to talk about rap, I just had to save my bruised ego after forgetting some of my lyrics at my last show (again) and set things up for my real topic. Direct Messaging. For anyone that doesn’t have a twitter account, this is basically a biochemical test lab for all things sexual. For whatever reason, over the last month my dm’s have been popping like a pack of rabid white girls at a Skrillex concert. Chicks dig rappers, so if you’re a bubbling young emcee there are a couple things you might want to keep in mind when exchanging Dm’s.
Before I even respond I like to investigate. Where does she live? What’s her real name? How hot does she look in her other pictures? Because the profile picture can be so misleading. Could she really be a dude? If she lives in the same city as you its safe to say she wants it. I made first contact with my last girlfriend through Dm’s. She had been retweeting everything I said for months and it was time to go in for the kill, I dropped the phone number on her and told her to get at me. After a few quick texts messages she was convinced I was a good guy, and chicks love doing bad things with good guys. Remember that.
The next step I like to make is getting that phone number. If you’re going to do something illegal don’t leave a paper trail (evidence). The same goes with these twitter hussies. Remember you are a bubbling rapper, the last thing you need when you finally blow is some chick exposing you for all the sappy ish you said to her on twitter. Remember Kanye? That chick had his meat pic saved on her computer for years. I’m sure he had forgotten all about that thirsty moment when he hopped online only to see his meat circling around the web. If you do feel the need to send her some pictures try Google images–you can find one way bigger than yours and if she does try to expose you, you can always say “hey that ain’t mine. Think ahead.
Another thing I try to avoid in the dark underworld of Dm’ing is making the first step. She Dm’d you first right? So don’t sweat it, tell her you’re in the studio, you’re working on your platinum album or whatever, just don’t be jumpy. I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure chicks don’t like jumpy. As a rapper, the amount of Dm’s you get from chicks is a good way to test how hot you are. I thought I was killing it at 2 chicks a day for a while then suddenly I fizzled. I haven’t received a dm in almost 3 days. It’s cool though, I got a video on the way.
In closing I’d like to thank all the hip hop fans that do frequent WOHM. I love you guys and don’t want to see anyone, in or out of the hip hop circle, caught up in their dm’s. I can honestly say that if I ever do “blow” there is enough evidence out there floating around to bring me back down to earth. I don’t want to see you guys in the same boat.
Side note, I think the worst part about being sick is figuring out where to wipe your nose when your tissues are out of reach, maybe that’s just me.