Yo, yo, yo. First and foremost I’d like to apologize to my thousands of readers for my recent absence from WOHM. Things got real for me, and when you’re as self loathing and as arrogant as I am you don’t do anything half assed. So, the other day I was doing what I normally do, thinking about women, and realized I’ve been dumped a lot. And not even the “let’s just be friends” let you down easy kind of dumping. I’m talking the “I found someone who will actually talk to me I don’t need you anymore” kind of heartbreak. Maybe I deserved it, but whatever, my mom still thinks I’m a winner and if she doesn’t she wouldn’t ever have the heart to tell me.
I guess you could say I’m a bit of a good luck Chuck. All of my ex-girlfriends are doing really well without me. I’m pretty sure they are all dating men over 6’3. One of my ex-girlfriends not only found her baby daddy, but she also found God right after breaking up with me. I’m not going to take all the credit but I do feel pretty good about the fact I could help someone find white Jesus. Taking all of these things into consideration, but mostly the fact I had no idea what I would write about this week, I took it upon myself to pick up my white iPhone and start calling my ex’s until one of them finally answered and agreed to let me conduct an interview.
Three calls and a voicemail later, I found one that was willing to talk to me in an inside voice. She asked to not be named, which made me believe she wasn’t proud of dating me. (Come to think of it I doubt any of them are sitting around bragging about the fact they dated the guy in the Weeknd Romance video, and that’s my music video with the most views FYI.) I’ve never done an interview or anything educated before so I didn’t think to write down what she said during the questioning process. My bad, you get what you pay for.
If you could do it all over again (dating me) would you?
Yes. After we broke up I met a really great guy who I am still currently dating. I would not have met him if we never dated.
Is he better than me in bed?
That is not a question I’m going to answer, It’s not about sex.
Side note: If it’s not about sex then I guess I still don’t know what it’s about.
If you could change one thing about me what would it be?
Your height (she thought that was funny). Seriously though, I wish you were willing to compromise more, you only took me out when I begged you to.
Where did it start going bad?
I think when you were constantly talking to other girls and no longer made an effort to see me. I think that’s where it started to fall apart.
How is your sister doing?
Ugh. Next question.
Did you ever fake it?
Side note – I don’t believe that
Do you ever brag about dating me?
Not really, I’m seeing someone else now and I don’t think that would be appropriate.
How much did you cry after we broke up?
I cried when we were together, not so much after.
Side note- Ouch!
Any final thoughts
Yeah, I like your articles. but you look awkward in all your music videos, just sayin….
And with that we said our goodbyes and the interview was concluded. I bet she still wants me, and if not I bet I could convince her to let me hit it one time. I’ve never dated a “good guy” but I’m sure they are boring as hell. At least with all my bs she could find things to argue about and everybody knows arguments lead to sex. So with that being said, I feel pretty good about what I’ve been able to do as a boyfriend. Is dating me a good idea? not really. But dating a guy like me just might make you appreciate the little things in life that much more.
Who needs a girlfriend when you’re going to be famous.