[slider]The Mayans say the world is ending this year. We say, ‘Shut Up.'[/slider]
What up, what up, what up (Waka Flocka and I on stage chest bumping with our shirts off while listening to P Diddy and Ma$e). Welp, it’s 2012 and you know what that means right? The world is going to end! (Or so the Mayans predicted.) Now, I’m not trying to sound like I’m educated or anything like that, but aren’t these the same guys that sacrificed each other to the sun god? If these guys were so smart how come they didn’t even have toilet paper? Or predict their demise?
I’m not worried about their precious little calendar coming to an end–maybe they just got tired of making calendars? Chicks weren’t as hot back then, so the calendars probably weren’t even worth looking at.
I recently sat down with fellow white rapper Gums, who is an “end of the world” enthusiast—the majority of his knowledge coming from extensive zombie video gaming. Now, the Mayans didn’t say anything about zombies, but who cares what the Mayans think, and if the world was going to end wouldn’t zombies be the most entertaining way to go?
So after a round of whiskey and making fun of other white people that rap, we sat down and devised what we thought would be the best way to survive the Zombie Apocalypse (I had to spell check that one, my first try was appocalyps).
Before the world ends, we must prepare.
To ensure that you, the people, are properly prepared we created a survivalist package that will help you survive when your loved ones become drooling, brain eating asshole.
1. A sword, or something sharp to stab things with. Most would assume the weapon of choice would be a gun, but remember guns are loud and will attract more zombies. Mo zombies = Mo problems.
2. Flammable alcohol—for drinking but you might also want to start a fire on those cold nights alone when you need to recuperate from zombie killing.
3. Protection and lubricant—for the women.
4. Redbull—to mix with the alcohol but also for any situation that may require a long night.
5. Ignorant Southern rap mix—what other kind of music would you want to kill zombies to (2 Chainzzzzz).
6. Drugs. Laws will no longer apply and you will most definitely need a happy pill or two with all the destruction going on around you. Plus some drugs make things look a lot cooler.
Now that you have all your essentials, it’s important to remember what you can learn from almost any zombie movie or video game. Get away from populated areas, group with athletic people you trust, and never try to save the slutty girl. Every zombie/horror movie has that one hot chick you hope never dies because she’s hot, but that hot, slutty girl always dies because that’s Hollywood’s way of brain washing women into being respectable classy females (jerks).
It is understandable that most of us will be totally unprepared when the zombies do strike; however, there is one very special type of person that will be completely prepared for the end: Hicks. They fix things, drink beer and shoot stuff. Cars will break down, zombies will need to be killed and if the world is coming to an end why not have a beer or two while you watch it burn? Not to mention, they still live in the 1950’s so the technological fall out will not affect them at all. I don’t know about you but my cell phone is glued to my hand. It has everything, Twitter, Facebook, Gmail, texting and most importantly, porn. Without these things I don’t know if I’d want to continue living in a world filled with non-conversational brain eating zombies.
Another thing we all have to consider is preserving human life. This means making sure some women survive the first wave. Although I think the easiest solution would be to barricade the kitchen, this may not work in all situations. To put it into perspective for other straight men, if women don’t survive, we can’t have sex. Basically, women who wouldn’t give us a chance will be forced to in order to save the human race. No pressure ladies.
Hopefully the world doesn’t come to an end this year. I have a lot of life I’d still like to live and a lot of ignorant opinions left to share. Not to mention my rap career still hasn’t taken off to the point women cry when they see me. Zombies are tricky but remember they’re slow and stupid, so with a little rational thinking and preparation you should be fine. If not, at least you’ll be alive to see the world come to an end, but I seem to be the only one that thinks that’s a cool thing. (Early zombie warning signs are showing, have you seen Lil B and his fan base?)
Let it be known now that if I do become a zombie, feel free to do what you need to do in order to get rid of me. I would do the same for you and depending on how many of my Facebook statuses you’ve liked I might even enjoy doing it.
Happy hunting.
Until next week, Lv out.