Photography by Martin Van Londen

What up, what up, what up (kitten chasing tail, laser light show, John Rocker in a Yankees hat holding an oversized African American child). Lv back up in this club and spilling cheap drinks on expensive women. I just want to make something clear right now while I still have your attention.

I. Don’t. Hate. Women.

My mother is a boss hog, she gets hella money and is my favorite person on earth. Now that we have that mess out of the way, I can break down why you never, and I repeat never, take your girlfriend to an important Blazer game. (annoying shot clock buzzer) Leggooo.

Now, I’m a situational kind of guy. If life was at a football game, I’d be a 3rd down back. I’m really good at a few things, like playing Madden, but for the most part I’m completely useless. Getting to my point, if you have tickets to a Blazers vs Toronto game by all means take your girlfriend. It’s not an important game in the grand scheme of things, and it most likely won’t be that entertaining–outside of watching the home team punishing a bunch of Canadians. These are the nights you can deal with the random acts of questioning: “Oh my gawd… what team scored again?”, “Do you think Kim would date anyone on the Raptors?”, “Do you think I’m fat?” I’m not saying that all women ask questions like these, just the dumb ones, but that’s the kind I really like to date.

Now that I’ve been able to open up to you a little bit, I feel that it would be appropriate for me to come clean about something. I am a ridiculous sports fan. It took me at least three embarrassed and disappointed girlfriends to realize this, but I’ve finally seen the light. (Not the beaming light at the end of the tunnel that makes you rethink your ways. No, more like the little light you put in your closet when you thought you would grow a marijuana plant last summer.) I’ve realized in order to not damage my ever so delicate sex life I can only be my true ignorant sports fan around other ignorant sports fans. So, if you like to yell, cuss and shun everyone but your favorite player this is not the side of you your girlfriend needs to know about. Remember, to her you are an intelligent, ambitious sex machine. Let’s do our best not to change this.

If you are paid, disregard the next two paragraphs and continue reading. You know if you take your girl to the game, shawty is gon’ wanna drank, and get something to snack on, and maybe even a new Jamal Crawford jersey because she likes his tattoos. By taking her with you to the game you have put her into date mode, but all you were trying to do was go to a Blazer game.

It’s probably safe to say she doesn’t love you enough to let you sneak food and beverages in her purse. If she does, buck up and get that girl a ring. If not, then you will obviously be expected to pay for these things when you get to the Rose Garden. I don’t know about your rap career, but mine isn’t seeing the money I thought it would. It’s better for a guy like me to completely avoid putting myself in a “date” sort of situation. Unless it’s her birthday or I am sexually obligated.

If you’re anything like me–if you’re tall, intelligent or handsome you’re not–you need a little man to man time here and there. I’m just as straight as the next Sisqo fan, but who doesn’t like a little time with the boys. I know I could always go for a chest bump or two. And what better way to spend time with your friends than going to a Blazer game? Are you really going to be the guy that makes things awkward for everyone by bringing your girlfriend? I hope not, because I can promise you she is not as cool and down to earth as you think she is. You only think that because you guys do intercourse.

Maybe I’m just ignorant, which I totally am, but I feel like bringing your girl to the game is like playing with fire after having a gasoline balloon fight. I’ve never had one of those, but I’m sure it’s expensive. It could be my ESPN bravado, or my willingness to let myself completely breakdown emotionally at sporting events, but I just don’t see the positive side to taking your girl to the game. Maybe you’re able to act rational down the fourth quarter stretch, but fans like me aren’t, and there are 10 of us for every one of you.

So do yourself a favor, and don’t give her another reason to not like you.

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Until the rant, Lv out.