This might be the first technology column to open with the word balls, but balls–or their neighbor to the near south–are no doubt the key visual in at least 35% of text messages sent after midnight. So, it feels like we’re starting in the right place.
Actually, I lead with the word balls because I’m concerned you don’t need to have any to get laid anymore. And this troubles me.
I’ve been on the dating scene for approximately 6 weeks now after being married since 2002, before the advent of such modern trappings as texting, Facebook, or even MySpace. The last time I had to ask a girl out, I had to do it to her face – take a risk, put myself out there, put my BALLS on the line.
That’s the way it had always been, and I liked it that way. Would I have owned the internal fortitude to build a business in the middle of a recession in one of the most volatile industries in the world if I hadn’t had to face Katie V requesting that I no longer slip daily love notes into her locker in the 6th grade?
Or, better question, if I knew I could text mealy-mouthed risk-free love notes to 50 girls at a time, would I have ever bothered to master my own fear and walk right into the belly of the beast knowing full well the odds of success were dangling dangerously near the Mendoza Line at best? Probably fucking not.
Hank Moody of Californication explained to one of his far-younger conquests the strange-to-her concept of owning a massive record collection over the convenience of MP3s with the phrase, “I’m just an analog guy living in a digital world.” I borrowed that phrase, among others, from Hank because it makes sense to my new reality too. And because anytime I question myself, I apply the “What Would Hank Moody Do” (WWHMD) filter before making my decision.
There’s something about asking someone out with your face that I think appeals to both sexes – the bigger the risk, after all, the sweeter the reward. (Right?) And like the lost art of opening a woman’s door, I fear that having the balls to actually speak to someone face-to-face may be going the way of the two-way, and the pager before it. I hope to find out this isn’t true – or maybe my analog ways will stand out against a backdrop of douchebags trolling Facebook for pokes. (I love Facebook by the way but it’s not a replacement for human contact.) We’ll see.
With this column we’ll be exploring the interplay between technology and dating, and taking a look at some of the technology applications masterminded specifically to help people get a piece of ass – whether a simple hook-up or a more permanent arrangement. And, maybe some technology applications that don’t yet exist – but should.
We’ll also deviate from the topics at hand, wander down some shady alleyways, and, if I’m doing it right, make many many questionable decisions based on overconsumption coupled with poor judgment. In short, we’ll have a shitload of fun, and write down the stuff we remember.
Feel free to weigh in, make suggestions, call me on my bullshit, or just let me know who I should be sexting at 3am when I’m home alone after another bender.
And until next time, get out there and find your balls.