If you are anything like I was when I was a rapper, the only reason you throw shows is too make sure you aren’t going to have to wait in line to get a drink at the bar.

I got so good at throwing terrible shows, that I could pretty much guarantee an empty venue on the night of my performance–no matter how popular the bar was.

There is nothing worse than getting done with a show and having to stand in line for 10-minutes trying to get a drink.

Here are a few steps that will guarantee nobody will be at your next show and you will completely waste the time of everyone involved.

1. Make sure your current performance is terrible.

There are lots of ways to pull this off. The most effective way to have a bad show is to not prepare. I can’t stress enough how important not preparing is if you want to have a bad show.

Try to make things up as you go. Planning ahead only means that you won’t run into a complete train wreck when the big night comes.

If you miss this step and put together a solid set for the night, don’t worry because you most likely still have time to get wasted before you go on stage. Stumble around stage like an idiot for 20 minutes and you can be sure nobody will be at your next show.

To make sure people don’t come back, make sure they leave early.

2. Don’t send press releases.

You don’t want to run the risk of a journalist finding out about your next show and putting it in the paper. This only means people might know about it, and if they know about it they might come.

3. Don’t be creative.

Why waste time being innovative when there are show every weekend that are complete failures.

Throwing a terrible show isn’t rocket science.

If you are at a terrible show, hit up the people performing and ask them to be a part of your show.

4. Only promote on Twitter.

This is especially effective when you only have 80 followers. Using a few “go to my show” tweets in the week before your event as your only source of promotion is a great way to promise yourself a terrible turnout.

PRO TIP: What I use to do is print up a bunch of posters and flyers and then leave them in the trunk of my car. You might want to put a few up at the venue so the promoters won’t catch on to your plan as quickly, but don’t put them up anywhere else–people might see them.

5. Make a flyer that is impossible to read.

Easily legible flyers are only good if you want people to comprehend the message you are trying to send. Try to use as many fonts as possible. (Why not make every letter on the flyer a different font?)

Make sure to use all dark colors, or all light colors.

That way nobody will know what the fuck is going on, and you will have no line at the bar.