I know, you already know all the right things to say. Who wouldn’t master getting what they want? But have you learned what NOT to say, and how to avoid getting what you DON’T want? Read below, memorize below, and never say what’s below.

1. “She’s just a friend.

Men and women cannot be “just friends.” If you had the opportunity to have sex with your “friend,” we both know you would. So, don’t lie to her and don’t lie to yourself. However, if she really is just a friend (which most men should have none-to-one), then say something like “she’s a childhood friend,” or “we grew up together,” something that gets across the point that you don’t see her as a woman and she’s not a threat.

2. “Hang on, I’m playing Call of Duty.”

COD or any video game is like Mars to (most) women. Even if you have that cool girlfriend that lets you play video games ‘til 4 o’clock in the morning while she’s in bed, and sometimes even stays up and plays with you, putting her on hold for the game is not something she’ll understand. Skipping class, work, sleep, etc.? Yes. Skipping out on her? No.

3. “You’re prickly.” “Are you bloated?” Or anything else about her body that could be taken negatively.

Even if it’s a fact […I hear you now, “but baby, you ARE prickly…”], don’t say it. You say XXXX and we hear YOU’RE UGLY. Here’s a list to avoid: you’re prickly, are you bloated?, your nipple kind of has this weird thing…, your hair is tangled, why are your lips so chapped?, what’s that?, get your feet off my pillow, brush your teeth, and many, many more…

4. “Are you gonna wear that?” Or anything else about her outfit.

Think before you speak on this one. Yes, she’s already wearing that; and yes, she’s going to continue wearing that. Here’s a lesson to learn: Women dress to impress other women—not men. So, if you don’t like her outfit, depending on where you’re going, she might even run off and exaggerate it more with more makeup, bigger hair, and extra jewelry. Like Number Three, don’t comment on her outfit if it can be taken negatively.

5. “I’ll call you,” when you’re not going to call. Or “I’m on my way,” when you haven’t left yet.

To your girlfriend, or anyone, this is not how you build trust. Be on time, or own up to your tardiness. Call her, or own up to your player lifestyle. If you’re just playing her, ignore this entire article.

6. “You wouldn’t understand.”

Like Number Five, to your girlfriend, or anyone, this can be seen as demeaning. You might not have the time to explain it – just say that! Or it truly might be very complicated – say that, and say it’s boring too! But saying “you wouldn’t understand,” puts the receiver at a defensive stance aka quarreling mode.

7. “Baby got back!

Not all Northwest men can pull this off. In fact, I think Sir Mix-a-Lot is the only one that can. As a general rule of thumb, do not talk about other women in front of your girlfriend. Think about it, do you want to hear her talk about other men in front of you? Statements similar to “Baby got back!” that you should avoid: do you think her tits are real?, damn, daaaaaaaaayumm, huh?, you should do your hair like that, I wasn’t staring [yes you were], well everyone was staring [everyone was not staring!].

8. “You need to calm down.”

Anyone that has said this before knows it’s the fastest way to get your girlfriend to do the exact opposite! This is about how calm saying that will make her, and this may be an understatement, “Don’t tell MEEEEEEEEEEEEE to calm down! Oh, you wanna see calm? I’ll SHOOOOW you calm!” And if she’s a Northwest OG, throw in some snaps. No one wants to see snaps.

9. The topic of boob jobs.

You should never bring up your girlfriend getting a boob job. If your girlfriend brings up getting a boob job, you may talk about it; you may not FREELY talk about it, but you may talk about it. To be safe, you should just think about it instead, and any talking you do should be, “I support any decision you make.” Side note, but still on-topic: Do not tell your girlfriend that you “love her small tits.” That’s an oxymoron.

10. “Dude.”

If you remember nothing else from this post, please at least remember this one word: dude. Do not call your girlfriend that! (Or bro, or homie, etc.) She is your GIRLFRIEND. Acceptable names to call her: Baby, Honey, Sugar, Love, Doll, Sweetie, [insert pet name here], and my personal favorite…Boo.

 

You and your girlfriend can both thank me later.