By Dustin Ponzoha. Photography by Martin Van Londen
What up, What up, What up (Multiple gun shots). LV here to break down exactly what women want for Christmas. I’m a guy, I know these things.
1. Sexy lingerie. “I care about you a lot, and thinking about your heart and feelings as much as I do, I knew this was something you would want. I spent hours in your underwear drawer trying to figure out the perfect size and shape for you. I even brought my ex-girlfriend with me so I could see what everything looked like on her before I bought it for you. This gift is from the heart, I hope you like it.”
2. Affection. Ughhh! If you haven’t been together for a very long time this is her first opportunity to decide if she can ruin the rest of your life. Holding hands during sporting events is strictly prohibited. You just can’t do that sh*t and still pee standing up. But the trick is that she knows this is Christmas and you really like her. So bite the bullet, hold her hand on 3rd down short yardage situations and hug her every time your team scores. Talk to her about all her friends she can’t stand during commercials and you might even get yourself a hummer by night’s end. If not, at least its Christmas so your friends didn’t see you cuddled up on the couch, when you would have normally been shirtless slamming beers. Go Seahawks!
3. Spending the day with her family. This is the worst. This is the first and most important step you can take to firmly plant your manhood in the palm of her serrated hands. Her mom is annoying, her brother plays World of Warcraft, her sister is hot but only 17, but more terrifying than all of this is her father because—believe me—he knows you two are having sex. You have to sit there and pretend to be going somewhere in life while he eyes you up and down the entire day—wondering what type of unspeakable things you do to his daughter when no one is around. He’s been there before, how do you think he had a daughter in the first place? Karma. So go ahead, spend the day with her, it’s not like your own mother would like to see you or anything.
4. Attention. Although it isn’t something you can wrap and put under the tree, believe me, these b*tches out here want some attention come Christmas day. This also means, no texting other girls. As hard as this may seem sometimes, it’s best to just put the phone away for the day. Everybody knows a “Merry Christmas” text from any girl outside of your girlfriend on Christmas day basically means “I want to have sex with you.” Don’t complicate things, December is the worst month to get caught cheating…. or the best depending on how you look at things.
5. Something shiny. Not because she actually wants something shiny, but because she knows getting something shiny will make all of her friends jealous, and there is nothing b*tches like more than making other b*tches jealous. “Oh my gawd, look at what Jason got me. We are like sooo in love with each other.” So you (this year’s boyfriend) better start saving now in order to get that pretty little shiny thing that will satisfy her internal “look at how perfect we are” desires until February 14th. Hey, at least you’re still getting laid twice a week.
6. Small and Cute. Women love small cute little fuzzy things, as long as it’s not your penis of course. Puppies and kittens are usually a good call as long as the woman you are dating is rational and has the ability to care for something.
Warning: when you do finally break up you will not get to keep the animal if she knows you want it. Speaking from experience, I gave her everything we owned in order to keep the puppy. Best decision I’ve ever made outside of becoming a white rapper.
7. Something expensive. I’m going to make this simple. Money = Love = Sex = Happiness. Start saving. If you plan on marrying her, this equation will only become more expensive with time.
8. Commitment. Holidays and birthdays have been used against man since the dawn of time for this very reason. Taking the next step is the only thing women in relationships care about. Christmas is her way of judging where the relationship is headed. Trust me, if you don’t make the right moves today, her friend Billy (who has been “liking” every picture of hers on Facebook for months now) is ready to move in for the kill. Write her a poem or something, and if you can’t, steal one off the back pages of Google and say you wrote it. As long as it makes someone jealous she won’t care.
9. Sex. Don’t give it to her in front of her family, but trust me, she wants it.
10. The best Christmas ever. No pressure, but you know she’s been checking her Facebook all day comparing her Christmas to everyone else’s. She had a different boyfriend last year who had a real job and really tried to give her the world. If you can’t pull all of these things I listed above together, don’t expect to be sitting at her dinner table come Christmas day next year. She’s perfect and she deserves the best, or at least that’s the idea her father raised her on. So pull it together, give yourself a couple days away from espn.com, and plan out a little something special for her. Saying “I love you” during sex just doesn’t work like it used to, so buckle down and make this the greatest night of her life… or at least close enough that she feels comfortable lying about it.