by Jake Espinoza
Whether or not I’d hang out with the characters on a show is generally a pretty good indicator to whether or not I’ll watch a show, and whether or not I’d drink with someone usually decides whether or not I’d hang out with them.
People who are fun to drink with understand the importance of living for the moment. Hanging out with someone who spends the entire evening looking at their watch because they have to work in the morning is not fun at all. You want to hang out with someone who is going to make the most out of what is going on right now.
Although there are a lot of Television Land characters I’d love to see at Taco Tuesday at the Can Can, we decided to cut it down to our top five for this list.
This list contains characters from shows still on the air and is in no particular order.
Don Draper (Mad Men)
Don Draper drinks all day long and no matter where he is. He drinks in bars, on planes, in the office, and while driving. While hanging out with him you can also be assured that there will be plenty of great looking women around to keep you company, but keep in mind that Don Draper is not a wingman. If you are with him you can be sure that you don’t have a shot at the hot friend, and the only reason she is laughing at your jokes is because she is trying to get the Draper treatment, but you should also be happy about how hot the girl you have a shot at actually is.
Also keep in mind that the less hot girlfriend wishes she was getting with Don Draper, and is settling for you.
If you are drinking with him out of town, be sure you don’t mess up and call him by his real name. He is the master of understanding the human psyche. Let him make up a story for the both of you, follow his lead and chances are you will get laid.
With Don, I’d drink Scotch.
Tom (Parks and Recreation)
Anyone who calls chicken parmesan, “Chickie Chickie Parm Parm,” is fucking cool with me. Tom is hilarious, and he is afraid of NOT spending money. He also is part owner in his own night club and hangs out with Detlef Schrempf fairly often—both huge benefits in my opinion.
Favorite Tom quote, “They say you gotta spend money to make money, I don’t know what went wrong. We spent all our money.”
With Tom, I’d drink SnakeJuice.
Charlie (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia)
Charlie might be the best character on television. The key to hanging out with Charlie would be to know when to stop following him; he is eventually going to get himself into some insanely stupid situation, and you want to see it happen, but you don’t want to be a part of it. Hopefully he’d dress up like a crippled war veteran and we’d go to a strip club.
“Viet-goddamn-nam’s what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!”
I could have put any member from the show’s cast on this list, but Charlie’s brand of shenanigans would make for an especially blog worthy night.
With Charlie, I’d drink beer.
Nucky Thompson (Boardwalk Empire)
I missed the last couple episodes and hate myself for it, but being in Nucky’s circle of drinking buddies is a good thing. For one, he only drinks with people he wants something from. So being in this circle means that you have something to offer. You are also around other people of power.
Nucky’s office stays filled with whores, booze and politicians. He knows how to show people a good time, and is good at getting a head while doing it.
The three words that best describe Nucky are money, power, and respect.
With Nucky, I’d drink whatever he was serving.
Cletus the Slackjawed Yokel (Simpsons)
Cletus does not care what people think about him—this might be because he is unaware other people are even thinking about him. He is a fifth generation dirt farmer, married to his sister, and suffers from memory loss caused by drinking the mercury out of the thermometer as a baby.
Getting drunk on Cletus’s porch would be brilliant. Watching him fight with his wife would be entertainment enough, but you also have the chance that other citizens of Springfield will cross your path.
With Cletus, I’d drink some of his home brewed moonshine.