By Kelly Brown. Photo by William Bragg
As someone who spends a great deal of time watching television and also someone who likes to relate everything in life back to herself, I sometimes think about whether any given fictional character would like me or not. If the answer is yes, I’m kind of inclined to like them, and therefore the show they are on, more.
So when Jake asked me to put together a list of the five female television characters I’d like to get a cocktail with, it felt like destiny. Here, in ascending order of desire, are the five ladies of the small screen that I would like to get drunk with.
Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec
Pawnee, the fictional town in Parks and Rec, is a lot like Salem. For example, I can see the people of Salem being obsessed with a miniature horse named Lil Sebastian and then having a really elaborate, well-attended memorial service when he died.
I love Salem, and Leslie Knope LOVES Pawnee, so we would have our improbable adoration of our small towns in common. Also, I think she would be really, really excited to get invited out for drinks, and so would do her best to be a satisfying drinks companion, even though she would probably get flustered and say something awkward.
Order: An O’Doul’s for her, and a whiskey sour for me
Liz Lemon from 30 Rock
Yes, Liz Lemon isn’t actually Tina Fey, but she’s close enough (plus, it seemed like picking “Weekend Update Correspondent as portrayed by Tina Fey” seemed like cheating). Every unmarried career girl can sort of relate to Liz Lemon … or at least I can.
We could discuss our shared love of disgusting snackfoods (Meat Cat Cheesy Blasters for her; Corn Nuts and beef jerky for me), then I’d ask how she could give up a dude that looked like Jon Hamm even if he is really, really stupid. And then we’d talk about ex-boyfriends for awhile.
Order: Two bottles of your cheapest pinot grigio for the table!
Lisa Simpson from The Simpsons
Obviously I’m not going to get an 8-year-old drunk even in the theoretical sense, no matter how cool and iconic she is. So let’s just assume we are getting strawberry lemonades at the Cheesecake Factory. Lisa, she of impeccable taste, would find Cheesecake Factory to be so commercial and middlebrow, but whatever, I’m the grownup and the non-fictional character, so I get to decide.
I think we’d talk about injustice and I’d ask why she loves Homer so much despite the fact that he really is a bad dad and then I would tell her that it’s OK to be a smart girl, because even though childhood, junior high and high school all suck, it pays off in your 20s.
Then she would play a sax solo. Hopefully the one from “Careless Whisper.”
Order: A virgin Manhattan for her; strawberry lemonade for me
Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development
You know how your favorite bad characters are the ones you can sort of relate to? And then, rather than being bad yourself, you can just enjoy it when this person says and does the things that some dark part of you would like to say and do?
I’m not an aged gold-digging alcoholic who is addicted to plastic surgery and emotional manipulation (yet) but I can certainly understand all those impulses!
Order: All of it
Joan Harris (neé Holloway) from Mad Men
Not going to get too deep on this one, even though I could. I could say that Joan is both sexy and capable, which is usually treated as an either/or deal by Hollywood. I could say that Joan holds it down for thick girls (and thick redheads, in particular) so, so hard each and every day. I could mention the fact that Joan always knows the perfect hilarious mean thing to say, the fact that her appeal is so universal that she, and she alone, can tell someone is gay just because he’s not super into her, and that she is both street-smart and smart-smart.
But whatever, Joan is the baddest bitch in the game and everyone knows it. If we hung out together, we’d totally cause a big scene and leave a bunch of sad dudes in our wake. She probably wouldn’t really want to get drinks, since she’s more about making eyes at rich dudes than hanging out with girlfriends, but she’d do it anyway because she doesn’t shirk obligations.
Order: She would get a vodka gimlet, and I would also get one in a transparent attempt to make her like me.