If you see this man, RUN!

by Jake Espinoza

“Somebody is feeding these damn animals booze” – Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

The first thought I had when I found out stores would be opening at midnight on Black Friday was, “Wow. People are going to be wasted.”

Drunk Black Friday shoppers are going to absolutely ruin the lives of A LOT of soccer moms. Dreams of getting that $100 gift card with Little Jimmy’s Xbox 360 will be shattered by the drunken smile of a 22-year-old walking away with the last gaming system and smelling like prostitutes and ashtrays.

It will be chaos.

For many staggering drunks, this will be their first Black Friday experience. Black Friday shopping use to take discipline, but now (thanks to many stores opening at midnight) the world’s most irresponsible people will be able to partake in the festivities. Opening at midnight actually fits perfectly into a Thanksgiving Day drinking schedule. Wake up at 11am, watch the Cowboy game and drink beer at 1pm, eat dinner and drink wine at 5pm, take a nap at 7pm, wake up and meet friends at the bar at 10pm, and then head to Best Buy to get a 3D TV for cheap at midnight.

Sorry to everyone who works in retail.

With so many people planning on being drunk for Black Friday this year, I thought I should create a quick survival guide. Follow these tips and you will have an enjoyable experience.

1. Find a sober driver.

Drunk driving is always a bad idea, but it is an especially bad idea on Black Friday–parking lots are hard enough to maneuver around, and you can be sure there will be cops in between you and each of your destinations. Also, the sober driver will help you decide whether you really need that KitchenAid Ultra Power Stand Mixer. (You don’t.)

2. Don’t get in a fight.

There will be some very rude people out and about. A lot of them will also be drunk. I know pride kicks in for a lot of us when people get lippy, but the 50,000 people who see the YouTube video don’t know that the mother of three called you something nasty. All they see is a grown ass man fighting with a girl over Legos. Not a good look.

Don’t let yourself forget that every person around you has a smartphone, and anything you do can and will be on the internet within the hour.

3. If you are going to bring your drink with you, bring a coffee.

With Black Friday normally being at the uncomfortably early hours, people are used to seeing people walking around with coffee cups. So you won’t raise the red flags of potential player haters by carrying around a cup of coffee. Also, coffee has a strong enough scent that the whiskey you mixed with it won’t be as noticeable. This is a great excuse for finish off that fifth in your trunk.

4. Don’t smoke as often as you want to.

Be prepared to stand in a lot of lines. Being drunk and waiting in a line, it’s inevitable you are going to want to smoke. But don’t do it. Your sober driver doesn’t want to stand in line alone, and the people in line with you don’t want to smell you walking back inside.

ALSO, do not smoke inside. You are going to want to, but do not do it.

5. Give yourself limits.

I’m not your dad. I’m not going to tell you how much to spend or how much to drink, but you should give yourself limits on how expensive of an item you can hold based on how drunk you are. An easy math equation to figure this out is C= X-(X(Z/Y)), where X is the most expensive item in the store, Y is the number of drink you can have before passing out, Z is the number of drinks you’ve had, and C is the most expensive item you should be holding.

Trust my math and survival guide—when have I ever done you wrong?

Happy Drunk Black Friday.