Photography by Andrew Roles. 

I’m not anyone’s girlfriend—I’m more like an ex-girlfriend who gets heavily Facebook stalked and sometimes ‘late night’ texted—but if my imaginary boyfriend came to life, I know what I’d want.

1. A weekend getaway: under $1,000

Watch any chick flick, I recommend Serendipity, and you’ll know what I mean by a weekend getaway—I DO NOT mean a monster truck show, and I do not mean Motel 6. I’m talking a cabin or beach house, somewhere cold so you can cuddle, in a small town so you won’t want to set foot outside. You should go there in advance and spread rose petals on the floor…leading to the bed. Place tea-light candles throughout the room (don’t forget something to light them with), and spritz your cologne through the rooms, focusing on the pillows. Fill the frig with the mandatories: wine, strawberries, eggs and bread, but leave the rest for dining out—her choice. Rent a chick flick, bring a board game, play truth or dare…make this the sexiest sleepover ever.

2. MAC make-up: under $20

Guys, this sounds much more difficult than it is. Go to the make-up counter and ask for simple colors: a plain, shiny lip-gloss, a nude colored eye shadow, glitter dust, etc. Nothing red, bright, or outrageous, because you’re right, that would be difficult. But something simple like a make-up staple, you can’t go wrong with.

3. Headphones: $40-200

Please tell me your girlfriend likes music. If not, please reconsider your relationship. Dr. Dre just came out with new headphones. Bose just came out with a low-end version of their headphones. And if she’s girly, Skullcandy always carries a pink line of headphones. If she’s into music, you can’t go wrong here.

4. See’s Candies lollypops: $1.50

Vanilla, Butterscotch, Chocolate, and Café Latte. $1.50. Get some for her, get some for yourself, get some for your mother.

5. Anything a sales woman at Nordstrom picks out: $40-200

If you’re totally clueless and the above ideas haven’t helped you out, go into any Nordstrom and find a sales girl that resembles your girlfriend. Tell her how much you want to spend, and that you want the best selling item in one of these departments: t.b.d. (fashionable 21-40-year-old clothing), BP (fashionable, less-expensive 15-28-year-old clothing) or Handbags (any woman’s purse and wallet Heaven).

6. Flat screen TV: $200-700

I just moved into a new apartment, so I may be biased, but if like me, your girlfriend just moved, get her a TV (this is a gift you’ll likely benefit from as well). Get her a TV you would want, because honestly, you probably know what TV she wants, more than she even knows!

7. Flowers and a thoughtful card: under $40

Are you in the early stages of your relationship? Did she say, “Let’s not exchange gifts”? Still get her a gift, I repeat, STILL GET HER A GIFT. Red roses do not say ‘I love you’ or anything awkward. You know what says awkward? Yellow roses. So get her red roses and write something short and sweet on a Hallmark card, something like, “I know you said no gifts, but I couldn’t help it. Just want to say I’m glad you’re in my life, and I hope we make it to our second Christmas.”

8. A book, like, a real book: under $30

Bookstores still exist in San Francisco; hopefully they have them where you are too. Set aside 45 minutes to an hour, and set foot in one. I think “comedy” is a good section to start in, “sex” would be a close second, followed by “cooking” if she’s into that. Judge ‘em by their cover. Grab one that has bright, big fonts and flip through a few pages. Is it something she would like? Is it something you could flip through together, say, during your weekend getaway?

9. Canned whipped cream: $3

This is obvious. Please email with questions or concerns. (Side note, do not try to save 60 cents by purchasing the off-brand.)

10. A gift certificate to her favorite store: $30-300

Gift certificates can be awkward since the recipient knows exactly how much you spent, so only use this option if you are a baller. Also, do not get her a gift certificate to a store that isn’t her favorite; so only use this option if you know her favorite store (ask her BFF maybe?). If you are not a baller and do not know her favorite store, but still want to go with a gift card, I suggest a sex shop. Just be sure to write on the envelope, “Let’s spend this together!”