September 20, 2013 in A Touch o' Ratchet, Editorials, Features by

Not-so-NW Profiles

I’m sure by now you’ve all seen the PEMCO insurance ads displaying a bunch of random “NW Profiles.” A few of my favorites are the Supercharged Seahawks Fan, Urban Chicken Farmer (WOHM’s own Mac Smiff hopes to become one soon) and the Portland Food Cartlandian. They basically just call out all the stereotypical folks we see in the Great Northwest. And you have to admit, we’re home to a few very interesting characters. How many times have you rolled your eyes at a passerby and thought “Only in the NW.” Gotta love it here.

As much as I do actually love it here, I’ve gotta get the hell outta Dodge sometimes, so last weekend I hopped on a plane to Vegas. #APM. All that oxygen they had pumping in the casinos made me super observant and I noticed quite a few people who looked like they’d fit right in up north. And they were the types of folks we complain about as if they are unique to our region. Welp, they’re not. Here go a few.

556162_10200585045364367_1139734235_nThe WTF Weirdo
Weird folks migrate to Portland and Seattle. They can be as weird as they wanna be up here 24/7. I could write a whole book describing the nonsense I’ve seen (think Pirates), but I’m sure you’ve seen them too, so I’ll save my words. I will tell you about this cat we saw outside the tattoo parlor in Vegas. Dude was giggin his butt off on the street corner for a few minutes and then proceeded to hop in a wheelchair and fly down the street. *facepalm*

The Rap Hustler
There’s nothing like being harassed about music. There are a few well-known folks who stay in the streets trying to sell CDs to anybody within a 50 foot radius. You may even know a couple by name because they’ve been doing it since I was in elementary school (I won’t tell you how long ago that was). The folks in Vegas are no different. Look, nobody wants to buy an album while walking down the street. Especially not for $10. I at least give respect to this dude who was offering his for $1. I’ll listen to that.

The Pimp…and the Hoe
It seems like everybody up here is pimping or hoeing. Well, except for those of us who have jobs. Portland, especially, is littered with “men” who make their money off “women.” And it seemed like Vegas was no different. I will say that I spoke to a local cop when I visited Sin City about a decade ago and he told me that most of the pimps and hoes down there were actually from Portland. Go figure.

The Janky Promoter
Remember that show you were super pumped to go to, but it got cancelled at the last minute? Remember the flyer you read that said $5 before 11, but you had to pay $15 when you arrived at 10:55? Janky promoters are the lowliest of creatures. The ones in Vegas are the devil’s playmates. If somebody randomly walks up to you on the strip, gets your number and says they’re putting you on a guest list at Haze, just know you’ll be waiting in line and paying just like everybody else. They ain’t do sh*t but trick you into coming to the club.

BAY1XBpCYAAB_yBThe Marijuana Enthusiast
Look, everybody smokes weed and if they don’t, they’re lying. But most people don’t announce it to the world. We got jobs to keep. But there’s always that one who posts pictures of blunts, tweets about how high they are and wears “I love Mary Jane” shirts. Well, they have nothing on Captain Weedman who dons a marijuana leaf cape and zooms thru downtown Vegas. Probably because they lace their trees with Lord knows what. *sigh* Stay organic.

The Gender Bender
The NW is probably the most LGBT friendly region in the country with San Fransisco, Portland, and Seattle boasting 3 of the 4 highest gay populations. Not a day goes by that I don’t see a man…errrr woman…errrr whatever walking down the streets defying nature and confusing the masses. In Vegas they have a whole show dedicated to guys dressed in drag imitating legendary divas like Whitney Houston, Madonna, and Cher. There’s levels to this gender ambiguity sh*t.

It’s great to feel like the people you see in your area are unique and different form the rest, but truth is, you find the same ridiculous people everywhere. Embrace it.

 

#OutHere

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  • Radio Fa Fa

    Apparently, wheelchairs make AWESOME vehicles. Even in you’re not “physically” handicapped.