April 18, 2012 in 10 THINGS, Features by

10 THINGS: To Prepare For Summer…


How are things working out for ya?  Are you pulling the ladies you want? Getting compliments from your friends’ little sisters? Putting in low effort, but performing at high efficiency? Lezbehonest. You might be doing well, but are you ten out of ten?

Here are ten ways you can prepare for summer, and achieve your goals while making memories with your bros, and pullin’ a few ladies:

1. Work out

First and foremost, if you don’t work out, you need to start. This serves two purposes. One, the ladies wanna see that “V.” Two, the ladies like a man with stamina. (Three, working out is good for YOU!) If you’re working out at home with minimal equipment, allow me to recommend GAIN Fitness – a free iPhone app and digital personal trainer. If you’re working out at the gym, allow me to recommend GAIN Fitness – a free iPhone app and digital personal trainer. If you’re working out at—you get the point, GAIN Fitness will get your body summertime-ready faster than any other fitness app on the market.

2. Eat better

Women diet, not bros; so, you don’t have to eat healthier, just better. Here a few menu guides to help you get the upper hand on summer: Dab the grease off your pizza. Opt for reduced-fat Oreos and ice cream. Buy “baked” chips. Cut back on soda pop and fruit juice, and stick to electrolyte replenishing Gatorade, Powerade or VitaminWater (or even water!). Low-sodium anything will help; no Top Ramen is key; and before, after and between workouts chug a creatine / whey protein mix.

3. Drink differently

Like not eating healthier, just better; don’t drink less, just differently. Try lite beers; avoid sweet, fruity drinks; mix alcohol with soda water instead of Red Bull; or at least mix your drinks with Sugar Free Red Bull. This will keep you drunk (and fit), and ensure that ladies have preferred  low-cal alcoholic options to enjoy with you as well.

4. Get some sun

If you live in the Northwest, you haven’t seen sun since this time last year. Get some sun in the privacy of your own backyard before you get sun in public—being the whitest guy in your crew is not what you want to be recognized for. Here’s a trick: When you’re pale, wearing white makes you look even paler; when your tan, wearing white makes you look tanner. So, save your whites for the end of summer, and stick to darks and bright colors at the beginning. (If you have questions on this, or how this affects your laundry routine, please ask a mother-figure.)

5. Gear up at the mall

Speaking of when to wear what colors of clothing, be sure you’re wearing the right clothing. Put your beanies away—wearing beanies in summer is the equivalent to girls wearing miniskirts and UGGs in winter. Pick up some bro tanks, snap back caps, boat shoes, and cargo shorts. Buy one pair of spendy stunnas, and a few pairs of cheapos. Take off your watch, and buy some artsy [read: hipster] bracelets.

6. Gear up at the sporting store

Ladies will to love to soak up rays while you’re doing your man thing. So, while you’re out gear up at the sporting store as well. For the ladies playing defense: Do you need any new tennis balls, golf balls, or ping pong balls? Does your basketball or football need a pump? For the ladies on offense: What about the raft you popped last summer on the Clackamas River? Or, what about the fine you got last year on the Clack—have you picked up a whistle and life vests yet, so you don’t get the same fine this season?

7. Move out of your parents’ house

Free rent? Or, freedom? You decide.

8. Save your money

Girls are expensive. Gas is expensive. Munchies (especially when you’re trying to eat better) are expensive. Put your change in a jar and set aside a portion of every paycheck, so that you don’t have to make payments on your summer expenses.

9. Save your vacation time

If you have money, you have a job, you don’t have free time. If you have free time, you don’t have a job, you don’t have money. It’s the on-going, chicken-egg battle, where one means nothing without the other. Save up your vacation time, starting now. Stop “getting sick,” starting now. And with this list, begin planning your summer vacation and request vacation time off…now.

10. Dump your girlfriend

I’ve saved the best for last. Working out, eating better, getting bronzed, gearing up, moving into your own place, and having time and money mean nothing if you’re tied down. Dump your girlfriend before summer 2012.


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